it’s in quiet moments like today that i feel and yet miss your presence the most. i remember vividly the word of the doctor, ‘there is no heartbeat’, and yet here i am, ironically, listening to the sound of it, hearing it clearly as if you were breathing next to me.

i carried you in my womb for about eight weeks but i only learned about the pregnancy when you were 4 weeks old. i wish i had known earlier. i would have taken care of us better. i would have spent more time with you. i would have told you more stories. remember when i would talk to you in early mornings when you and i would wake up in the silence of dawn; at nights before we went to sleep; or at random times just because i felt the need to tell you what was going on outside your world. i thought it must be lonely for you to be alone in a secluded, dark place, and i wanted you to be comforted by my voice.

letting you go was one of the the most painful moments in my life. i knew that for others, it was very easy to dismiss the hurt when they considered you as just a tiny thing inside of me, not even a real human to begin with. in the field of medicine, i was merely a statistic in the common pregnancy mishap that is miscarriage. but you were to me a child who existed and touched my life in ways unimaginable to some.

you brought joy to my world. you showed me that i can be the mother that i hoped to be. you helped me be a better person. you proved that i was a person capable of loving without limits, without conditions. and i have come to realize that this is why i was to endure this pain. God knows that i have so much love to give in my heart that in spite of the misfortune on my first pregnancy, i would not be afraid to love another child just as much as i have loved you. you allowed me to perceive things in a different light. you taught me to see the beauty that thrives even in sadness.

i did not lose you. i prefer to believe that i gave birth to an angel. and you are that to me, my child, my angel. i will keep you in my heart. always.

(1)  i sort of knew that i was pregnant even before i took a pregnancy test. i dreamt about it often although the images were vivid at all. it was like an abstract dream but i knew what it meant.

(2) i took the pregnancy test four times. ha! i wanted to be absolutely sure. i took the first two tests on august 15th, one day after my supposed period. as i said, i sort of knew i was pregnant but i needed confirmation. i actually thought of waiting a few days more but the anticipation won out. i told myself that if it was positive, then i can prepare for the baby sooner. if it turned out negative, then i can just move on with my life and try conceiving again.

(3) the first pregnancy showed two pink lines, one of them being a faint pink line which was what the manual said would show. i cried when i saw that two lines. tears of joy, of course. i rushed to longs drug store to buy another pregnancy kit, this time a digital one. ‘pregnant’ – it all said very clear. i was elated. i took the third test the following monday using my first urine of the day. i took the fourth test just before i had my first prenatal visit. obviously, both said the same thing – pregnant.

(4) i was into clomid from april – june. my OB GYN prescribed it to me because i told her that my periods were sometimes irregular. clomid is a drug used to induce fertility. apparently, it didn’t work for me. i think i was supposed to get another refill for july but i opted not to. and nature worked on its own course.

(5) i love the feeling of being pregnant, of knowing that inside my womb is a growing baby and that in nine months time, the baby will come out. ah, the miracle of life.

(6) i don’t have morning sickness. yet. i think i’m one of those lucky women but who knows, may be i’ll get it later. i don’t mind though. i’d endure anything for my baby. even a thousand times over.

(7) i know i should be sleepy most of the time. but i’ve always been a sleepyhead so there should be not much difference although now i’ve been a lot less sleepy. i suppose being sleepy is my normal mode so the reverse of that is what my pregnancy symptom is. i also wake up in the mornings earlier than usual.

(8) i love how i refer to myself as mommy and to raj as daddy. it’s so adult-ish thing to say but it feels abso-fucking-lutely good.

(9) i talk to our baby before sleeping, upon waking up and on random times of the day. i tell him/her about how my day’s going and how much mommy and daddy loves him/her.

(1o) my boobies are finally growing bigger. they’re sore sometimes but at least, now i have boobs to speak of. teehee.

(11) i now drink milk. i never used to. now, i look forward to my cup of milk a day because i know it’s what my baby needs.

(12) i have developed an OCD with my food choice. i’ve been reading food labels now. i’ve discarded the usual junk food in my daily intake. i don’t want processed foods. in fact, i am thinking of doing the cooking myself to make sure they’re all healthy and safe for an expecting mother.

(13) i’ve spotting since yesterday and the first time i saw the light pink blood, i freaked out. i panicked and i immediately called my OB GYN who scheduled an appointment for me today. i actually just came back from the doctor’s visit. nothing to worry about, she said. it’s normal. i even get to see my baby through ultrasound and i’ve seen how much s/he has grown in a span of five days. way to go, baby!

(14) i love how people seem to be genuinely happy for raj and me. pregnancy is always a good news and should be celebrated in style, of course.

(15) i can’t wait to get the baby bump and wear these fabulous maternity clothes. i’ve been inspired by this week’s episode of project runway when the designers created maternity clothes. fashion and motherhood – classy combination, i say.

(16) being the voracious reader that i am, i always read about pregnancy and motherhood. i already have two books so far and i’ve been browsing the net most of the time on tips about pregnancy, particularly about food (see no. 12).

(17) i don’t have any food cravings yet but it feels so good to finally have an excuse to eat ice cream as much as i want to.

(18) it’s also good to have a valid excuse to be lazy. i’ve been ordered by my OB GYN to take a bed rest this weekend and that’s what i’m going to do. i’m all for it.

(19) i stopped watching ‘tayong dalawa’ this week because jake cuenca annoys me and i didn’t want him to be the cause of unnecessary stress. the opposite of jake is heidi klum. i love seeing her on TV and i can’t wait to see the next episode of project runway which is next thursday.

(20) needless to say, i am so much in love with my husband and with our baby.

dear baby,

i saw you for the first time through the ultrasound machine today.  you are this tiny little thing in mommy’s womb and it amazes me how your tininess already breathes life. how can you, in your current state of being, have given me so much joy already?

i will see you again on september 9th. until then, i will content myself on feeling you grow inside me. all my love.